guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
where are you?
Hypothermia
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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