If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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