I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
