Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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