ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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