guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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