I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
