I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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