what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
