I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
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