Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
