Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
