connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
