walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
