it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
