Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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