I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
