My hair reeks of homosexuality.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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