Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
