I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
