Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
