took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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