Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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