Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
