and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize
