life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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