He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
