Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
