You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
