you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
