the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
