I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
