I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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