You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
