Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
