i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
