he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
