Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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