it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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