I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
