Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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