here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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