Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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