I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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