you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
