That's intense
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
