i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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