i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
