People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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