the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
